


I Don't Have You

by xo_marauders



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Dissociation, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), PTSD, Panic Attacks, Sad Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 04:18:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18087281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xo_marauders/pseuds/xo_marauders
Summary: Sirius still loves Remus and struggles with his emotions.





	I Don't Have You

**Author's Note:**

> (TW: panic attack, dissociation, implied/referenced child abuse)

Sirius sat at the kitchen in Grimmauld Place, picking at the wooden table in front of him. Most everyone in the Order was there just chatting and going over mission details again. The actual meeting had concluded a few minutes ago and Sirius found himself unable to make conversation with anyone at the moment, no matter how many times Molly _insisted_ he be more welcoming toward his guests.   
  
He heard a loud laugh and looked up. Tonks was standing in the doorway, her short hair sporting a bright pink color at the moment, and her hand resting on someone’s shoulder. Remus’ shoulder...  
  
Sirius bit the inside of his cheek, the taste of iron filling his mouth, but he didn’t stop. He just kept biting his cheek.   
  
“....I was probably the worst prefect ever. I mean, everyone’s hair was blue for a week!”   
  
“That’s brilliant, Remus! I love a good prank...”  
  
Sirius stopped listening and looked back at the table, glaring. He knew he shouldn’t be jealous. He was gone for twelve years. He has no right to be bitter over the fact that Remus was moving on.   
  
It still hurt, though...  
  
He took a sip of his wine and swirled it around the glass a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. Another laugh from Tonks caused Sirius to look up, only to see her leaning in closer to Remus her hand moving down his shoulder and to his bicep...  


_CRASH!_   
  
All the conversation stopped as everyone turned to look at Sirius. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked down, noticing the shattered glass in his hand, blood and wine mixing together on the mahogany table...  
  
_Mother will be mad,_ he thought.   
  
“Sirius?” The sound of Remus’ voice pulled Sirius away from his thoughts and back into reality. He stared at Remus, at the concerned look in his eyes. Gods, he hated that look...he didn’t want Remus’ pity.  
  
“Sorry, I...” He cleared his throat and stood up, carefully holding his hand to his chest. “Sorry.”   
  
Sirius pushed himself away from the table and quickly made his way upstairs and to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. His mind was whirring, bouncing back and forth between his current state of mind and his 16 year old self’s. He looked down at his hand and was transported back to his childhood and how Walburga would make him bleed while Orion stood by silent, pretending Sirius didn’t even exist...  
  
Suddenly he was 16 again. His body trembled as if he had been freshly hit with the torture curse. Fumbling to his bed, he frantically began searching for something, anything to help him escape.   
  
_I have to run away, I have to run away, I have to run away..._  
  
“James?” Sirius nearly shouted as his hands finally grasped hold of a mirror. He turned it around, expecting to see his best mate’s face but instead was met with his own reflection. He blinked. This was not his face...well, it was but it was older and thinner than he remembered...  
  
And then Sirius was crying.

Because he’s not 16 anymore. Because James is dead. Fourteen years had gone by and _James_ _is_ _dead_.  
  
“Padfoot?”   
  
Sirius whirled around, still clutching the mirror in his good hand, his eyes blurred with tears, compromising his vision. But he would know that voice anywhere.   
  
“Moony...” Sirius fell to his knees, dropping the mirror in the process and pulling at his hair, not caring that his hand was still a bloody mess. Remus quickly made his way to Sirius, pulling him in his arms, trying to quiet his friends sobs.   
  
“He’s gone...they’re gone. James is gone, Lily is gone.” He sobbed and sobbed, his frail body trembling furiously in Remus’ arms. Sirius wished he was dead. Anything would be better than the pain he felt, the constant pain of loss and grief, feelings he never truly got to cope with in Azkaban.   
  
“I’m all alone.”   
  
“You’re not alone.” Remus whispered into Sirius’ hair. “You’re not alone, you have me.”   
  
Sirius pulled away, his eyes still glistening with tears, and stared at Remus with a despairing gaze, and when he finally spoke, his voice was hoarse and soft.   
  
“I don’t have you.”   
  
Remus did not respond. Instead, he lifted Sirius’ hand and mended it silently. Sirius watched, unable to do anything else. He felt himself dissociating, becoming numb after experiencing so many emotions at once, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He’d rather feel nothing...

“Sirius, you have to stay with me.” Gentle fingers brushed Sirius’ chin, forcing him to look back at Remus. His golden eyes stared into Sirius’ gray ones, anchoring the other man in place. Sirius was always a sucker for those eyes.   
  
“Let’s get you into bed, yeah?”   
  
Remus helped Sirius stand and helped him undress down to his shorts so he would be more comfortable. After helping Sirius under the covers, Remus turned away, preparing to head back downstairs to clean up the mess of wine and blood that was still on the table when bony fingers grabbed hold of his wrist. He turned and was met with a pleading look on Sirius’ face.   
  
“Please...please stay. I know we’re not...that you’ve...but please, Remus. Just hold me. For one last time just...hold me.”   
  
Remus nodded, unable to trust his voice. He slipped under the blankets with ease and Sirius’ limbs perfectly fit against his even after all these years. Remus laid there, gently stroking Sirius’ hair until he fell asleep. His heart broke at how damaged Sirius had become. He wanted to scream and punch the wall because how could life be so unfair to them? As if they hadn’t suffered enough...  
  
But Remus didn’t yell or hit the wall. Instead, he just held his broken friend,  kissed the top of his sleeping head and whispered into the silence.   
  
“You’ll always have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading 
> 
> Tumblr: @xomarauders


End file.
